never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
