I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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