She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
