I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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