Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
