Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
