I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
