I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
