Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
