dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
