I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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