apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
