Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize