There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
