According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Randomize
