Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
