did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
