I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
