Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
