I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
