He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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