I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
