I want to walk on stilts...naked
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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