so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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