I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
