If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
