what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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