New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
