I wish I could teleport
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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