I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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