Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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