Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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