Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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