I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize