call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
