Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
