Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
