you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
