ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Randomize
