Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
