Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i think my cat just said my name.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize