Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
