when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
