Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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