So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
