my phone needs a breathalizer
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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