Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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