Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
