I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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