god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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