So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
