When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
