It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
