I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
