textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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