11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
