Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
