I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
