Already got asked if we're dating
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
