i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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