you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
