More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
