You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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